It’s all wonderfully illogical! :)

How my workplace differs from the rest of the world?

This 29th, that’s tomorrow, I complete 1.5 years in the company. Over time, I have observed that we live in an alternate universe. Don’t believe me? read on.

PS: I have never tried this. I am a tea person. 😛

What if you had to ask out a girl in normal world? It would go something like this (as per the movies, at least):

Guy: Hey, I was wondering if you’d like to go out for a cup of coffee some time…

Girl: Hey, umm.. sure why not.

Guy: Saturday works?

Girl: Absolutely, say 10ish, Coffee Bean, Infiniti?

Guy: Great, see you there!

Just if things were that simple at red-like-color not-so-interactive!

The guy waits till 7. Time-efficient people have left work by then while he is still stuck at 9thk. He sees that his girl is still at her desk and the seats flanking her’s are empty. Gets up, walks over, and sits on the one that is farther away from the auditory range of people around.

Best possible scenario:

Guy: Hey…

Girl: [moves the eyes enough identify the person within her range of peripheral vision] …hey…sup [pounding away at the keyboard]

Guy: I was just wondering if you’d like to go out for coffee after work some time.

Girl: But we have a coffee machine no [pound… pound… pound…realizes she is not being sociable and turns the chair, the guy has just been promoted to the field of direct, non-peripheral vision] plus I already had 3 cups today…I tell you, even after a latte, a cappuccino, and finally an espresso, I am still so sleepy. You know what, I still have 5k to go, I don’t know how I am going to manage this. I had this finalization, PR92 has given 88 comments saying “put an ‘a’ here” or “definite article needs to be put here”. What do they get paid for? No seriously? [At this point, guy wonders if this is rhetorical or should be answered.] You know what [oh, she continues, doubt cleared.], I am just so exhausted putting those 92 articles [guy: can you make this quicker please, I have 7k to start.] But I think not all the Fls do that; yesterday, I had this FZ with PR53 working on it, amazing job he did! I wish all my assignments go to 53. I am going to flag this one. Flag flag flag…and you know why? [guy clears his throat]…because I don’t get paid for this!!

Guy: [While she pauses to take a breath, the guy takes the opportunity to pitch in.] Hmm, yeah [wonderful!]. Perhaps you need a break, there’s a CCD right by Shanti, if you’d like, we can go there.

Girl: [Oh damn, yea he came to talk abt something else.] Our machine is also from CCD only no..?

Guy: [Does she understand that I am asking her out? If I ask her to have coffee in the pantry, she will think I am not willing to spend at all. If I mention CCD again, I look stupid willing to spend for something that’s free for us. What to do now?] Oh ya, actually I hear Starbucks is really good [pretentious places with exorbitant prices it is!], I’ve been there many times [No I haven’t, the prices of Starbucks’ are in negative correlation with my salary.]

Girl: [Starbucks…hmm… I can check-in and let people on fb know that I am sitting in an expensive coffee house with pretentious food that is appropriately sized for miniature people… also I can take some great selfies…okay I need to see what looks good….phone out→unlock→zomato→nearby→Starbucks→menu]

Guy: [Whom is she chatting with in the middle of our conversation? Coffee ain’t gonna cut it, we need food too…damn ill be fasting for 2 days after that]

Girl: [Damn, i’ve been quiet for long…] Hey, yeah Starbucks works, I really like their [I hope I get the pronunciation right, these weird names, I tell you!…anyway I have been …umming…for a few seconds now…he may just be thinking that I have the entire menu in my head…speaking of head, my mom’s gonna eat mine if I forget to take half a kilo rice packet and bartan bar home…anyway] java chip frappuccino [Dhruv: yes, I have Zomato open]…that’s what I order always [I’m going to Starbucks first time ever, YAY!].

Guy: Cool then, we can decide on time n stuff later maybe. [Smiles, wakes up remembering 7k, questions world, god, humanity and such other things!]

Girl: Yeah, that works [transition, direct vision→peripheral vision→out of FOV][pound… pound…pound].

Worst possible (and the most likely) scenario:

Guy: Hey..I was just wonde…

Girl: [pound…pound…pound] Hey, I have closes till 7, we’ll talk after.

At 7.
Girl: Who came to talk to me today? Uh, never mind. I bet it’s sorted.


Of course, the characters are hypothetical so far. But this is not the only thing different. Well, just read on.

There’s a sentence:
“Although pigs can fly only at night, they shouldn’t as they might catch a moon burn, especially after 10 PM, and ruin their green skin.”

When I asked normal people on what was wrong with the sentence, they pointed out three errors (:P)

“Pigs can’t fly.”
“There’s no such thing as moon burn.”
“Pigs don’t have green skin.”

However, in-house, on conversation with QA

Hey,” said the girl who looked like win-zipped, low-res version of Katrina Kaif from Rajneeti.

“Hey,” that’s me.

So Dhruv, this sentence. Why have you remarked it irrelevant?”

“Well, because there are glaring errors in the sentence and it seemed illogical”

“Hmm, you have not fixed three errors in this sentence

“Yeah, the errors make it illogical, but what is the correct version then?”

“Are the corrections not obvious, Dhruv? You have retained a contraction, the use of ‘might’ and ‘especially’ in a single sentence…How can you edit like this, just how?…you know might and especially are unacademic! You know how many papers get rejected on the basis of…no shit…based on…no..wait…never mind…because of the use of might and especially?”

“No, how many?”

“Ill have to get back to you on that; for now, revise these to may and particularly and make the sentence shine!”



“You forgot to say respectively!”

You understood right?”

“But, don’t you think that pigs don’t fly and they don’t have green skin and a mention of moon burn are bigger issues here?”

Oh, I am unsure about the SME here, I will take a second opinion and get back to you on this.”

Googles “flying pigs,” “moon burn,” and “pigs with green skin”. Stumbles on to Angry Birds trailer.

… not to be continued. Peace. 😛

Thanks to all the gems reading this…this time flew (and took away my spinal alignment).
Lots of love,
yours truly.


“The one with” the birthday!!

Hey all,

This is for Charmie, Lorraine, Tanvi, Maitreyee, and Quadros.

This is my first non-big bang post. So this was one of my best birthdays ever, first one with friends because it’s generally a vacation or some sort of holiday on 15th Jan and I would run back home. This time my home came running to me, from Surat, Andheri, and California. All together under one roof after 7 years. My sis, bro-in-law, and his sis surprised me by coming over at 12 with a cake. I am glad all my dialogues went unused 😛 The birthday started wayyy before that though, all thanks to some amazing people at work. Thank you all so much!! Lorraine, you already have my salute for multiple things. You rock! 😛 Tanvi, I hope you forget to get your phone to work a lot more often and that of the three of us, the third one goes quiet soon 😛 (Huh? Re-read!). Well, you know what else is in store for you this year, this can go on and on.! 😛 Quadros the avenger, I wish all the people who make you angry rest in peace and that I am never NEVER one of them. Yes, people, ask her! Maitreyee, thanks for making my desk the most awesome desk at work!! Charmie, come over every year or come back for good soon! Amazing people you all are!!

Lots of love,


tumblr_mumlytyM7I1rk7yb8o1_500 - Copy.gif

The Parallel Intersection Insufficiency

So, fellow muggles,

I was going to post one on the 1st of Jan; however, considering that I am very lazy and none of my resolutions have anything to do with myself, I didn’t. Anyway, I think the year still passes as new so there’s a short personal message and then the blog content. I am not going to grill on the past, it’s past and it shall stay so, and even the calendar agrees with me now! 😛 I have learnt a few things though. This is not sad; this is what the quality team calls “developmental” when they have little clue of what’s going on. 😛 Anyway, this is to all who’ve lost something or someone last year. I have been a fan of tenure in my life, a person knowing me for a year would be closer to me than one knowing me for 6 months, well, you get the concept. I was proven wrong last year in style. So I was pushed down (figuratively, you get the logic) by a person who had known me for 7 years, and it was a couple of people I had known for a little over a month who sort of handled me. That’s Maitreyee and Anupama (I love you both, as you know). I wish there is never a time when we do not know each other. Then there was another blow and there was Lorraine (refer to the card I gave you for details :P). I learnt (and how!!) that knowing people for longer means nothing. Every person is a walking story, and them not having known you does not take anything away from how awesome they are. I don’t believe there is a reason why someone we currently know just for months, maybe days, may not end up becoming an irreplaceable component in our lives. It is all about what we choose to see. The people in front of us get all the attention but it’s those behind us who keep us from falling. The question is, do we look behind and see who’s looking after us without having to take a fall? What’s gone is gone, and gone it shall stay. Appreciating the amount of magic this world of muggles contains, this is to new beginnings. Cheers. 🙂


Happy New Year folks…again…Here we go! 🙂


Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait…

The Earth began to cool,

The autotrophs began to drool,

Neanderthals developed tools,

We built a wall (we built the pyramids)

Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,

That all started with a BIG BANG. (YAY)



 Leonard and Sheldon’s Place: Living room, Sheldon’s desk

[Leonard, Howard, and Raj enter]

Chorus: Hey Sheldon!

[Sheldon puzzled, staring at the laptop screen]

Leonard: What are you looking at there buddy?

Howard: I think I see girls on the screen… [they rush toward Sheldon]

Sheldon: It’s the Cooper family yearly newsletter; pictures of all the events of 2015…

Howard: This girl in the picture, I’d soo do…

Leonard [interrupts]: … before you complete that sentence Howard, that’s Sheldon’s sister, Missy, in the middle…[murmurs] by the pool side…lookin’ like personified heaven…with two other girls!

Howard: How could I have made it worse???…anyway, Shelllyy, I didn’t know you had a sister!!

Sheldon: I did not know I was obligated to share the details of my personal life with you…and for future reference…NEVER call me Shelly!

Raj: So what’s this newsletter?

Sheldon: I had a deal with my mom; if I go through the newsletter and answer five questions that she will ask me over the phone later today, then I don’t need to hear her church babble for a week.

Howard: I want to have a similar deal with my mom…but given the choice, no Jewish guy would do something that may make him miss a brisket.

Raj: You’d put up with stuff for a brisket?? That’s small of you dude!

Howard: I know, but it’s too late for me to stop. It can’t scar me more anyway. You should swing by on a Saturday night and hear the noises coming out of my house!

Raj: Why? …The last time I came there, you said there was a show on Primate Mating on discovery and you had cranked up the volume and lost the remote…

Howard: On Saturday nights, my house is the Serengeti, my friend. Let’s just leave it at that.!!

Leonard: Well, disturbing thoughts from Howard’s life aside, would you like to join us in watching a new TV show Sheldon?

Sheldon: I would, after I figure this out. So Missy has taken this selfie with girls on both her sides…

Raj: Yeah, so?

Sheldon: So who are these girls kissing in the picture? The kiss appears to be directed toward the camera. As they had to take the picture themselves, it is safe to assume that no one they knew was in front of them…

[Penny enters…]

Penny: Hey, got any food?

Leonard: Fridge!

Penny: Cool! What y’all upto?

Leonard: Trying to decipher this pic…we can’t understand who the girls are kissing!

Penny: [Laughs] Don’t you guys know anything about girls?

Leonard: well…

Penny: Never mind…that’s borderlining on rhetorical now…that, my nerdy friends, is what we call a pout!

Sheldon: A pout? What is that?

Penny: Ya, see …like this [pouts]

Howard: Oh dear goddddd…can you do that again please? I didn’t quite understand the concept. Also, Leonard, close your mouth; you’re drooling.

Sheldon: So basically this is a kiss without a recipient…this is like one not answering to his or her voicemail…there is a sender but there isn’t a recipient; this, my friends, is a major breach of a social contract.

Howard [murmurs]: I need to find a way to track such breaches.

Leonard: Calm down Sheldon, you’re overreacting…

Sheldon: Me? Overreacting? I am telling you Leonard, the world will soon descend into anarchy if stupid girls keep pouting like this.!!…And to make the matters worse, one of them is the sister of one of the greatest minds of this century.

Sheldon: I don’t understand how my mother can waste her prayers on me when she has a daughter who pouts and has an IQ probably less than Penny’s!!

Penny [offended]: Heyyyy!!

Sheldon: It’s a compliment; I called you smarter than someone I shared a womb with for 9 months; learn to recognize them!!

Raj: If any of you haven’t realized; I am extra quiet today!

Sheldon: Possibly because the guy writing your dialogues forgot that you can speak in front of Penny in this universe…

Raj: What?

Leonard: Considering that one of the models of universe states that the entire universe is merely a hologram where the half portion of the world that is active spontaneously forms, deteriorates and forms again in a continuum, this one doesn’t seem any less plausible.

Penny: Oh that, I totally know about that. But, I am kinda a follower of a different model.

Sheldon: Ohh…Penny talking science, which model are you referring to?

Penny: Umm…America’s Top Model!!

Sheldon: Do you really have to say such stuff within a minute after getting a compliment from me?

Raj: Well, speaking of halves, I started reading a new book, “Half Girlfriend” by Chetan Bhagat…

Leonard: Who’s Chetan Bhagat?

Howard: Which half? Upper or lower?

Leonard: [Giggles] …forget mine…answer that.

Penny: Ugh…yuck Howard. I’m standing right here!!

Sheldon: Okay, which half, right or left?

Howard: [puzzled] How would that even work?

Sheldon:[clueless] How would what work what? You took the horizontal axis; I took the vertical. It’s called the art of conversation. What has to work?

Penny: It’s sad that I don’t feel offended anymore when Sheldon says such stuff.

Raj: [excited]… anyway, it’s about a girl who can’t make up her mind whether or not to be this guy’s girlfriend and finally agrees to be his half girlfriend….that’s what the back cover states anyway…

Sheldon: Yes, and she leaves the guy in the end and the guy enters depression and becomes suicidal; it says on the Goodreads website.

Raj: [angry] Dudee!!! Spoiler alert. You just wasted hours of my reading time!!

Howard: …besides, since when do you read Indian authors?

Sheldon: No, I’ve had this book of Chetan Bhagat since about a week now. I take it with me when I go to the bathroom at work.

Raj: You read Half Girlfriend at the potty????

Sheldon: Oh, nooo, my time is much too important for that. We’re just out of toilet paper. Should serve me well for …let’s see…I don’t work on weekends, so another 243 days. It’s ironic though that this book is listed on Goodreads. I should probably fire a mail to the website manager…

Penny: Guys, I’m starved. Can we please eat?



Leonard and Sheldon’s Place: Living room, the couch

[all eating]

Leonard: Would you like the extra dumpling Penny?

Penny: No, thanks. M good…

Howard: Of course she wouldn’t Leonard, you can’t offer a dumpling to a dumpling, that’s cannibalism.

Penny: Yeah, I’d rather pick you up and throw you out the window, that’d be altruism!

Sheldon: Learnt a new word Penny?

Penny: Hey, I’m no freak genius like you, but I read okay!

Raj: What do you read?

Penny: [in a lowered voice] …”word of the day” toilet paper.

Leonard: That’s still very laudable.

Penny: I haven’t even reached “C” yet.

Leonard: Um…okay. Nevertheless...[angry look from Penny]…oh.. right…anyway you seem a bit off today…

Penny: Yeah, it’s just this thing that happened at work today.

Raj: What happened?

Penny: I got an award; it says the second most worst waitress at The Central Perk of all time.

Sheldon: Only the second worst? Who’s the worst?

Penny: This girl named Rachel Green who used to work there about 10 years back…she was popular. When she was coined the worst waitress ever by a poll, the former owner Gunther flipped out, bought a boat, and left forever.

Leonard: Oh ya, the other day we were hanging out at the coffee house, I heard some people talk about them. They were a group of six people, very popular in the area in their time.

Raj: Ya, I wonder what they are upto now.

Penny: Some of the other waitresses tell me that they still come to the coffee house once in a while, but that’s not my shift so I wouldn’t know.

Howard: We spoke with an old woman in this building, she said one of those girls used to sing a song about cats…

Sheldon: Soft kitty warm kitty little ball of furrr….

Leonard: [Interrupts] No, I think it went something like “Smelly cat smelllly cat, what are they feeding you…[others except Sheldon join]…smelly cat smelllly cat, it’s not your faulttt…”

[All laugh]

[Sheldon flinching and twitching]

Leonard: Okay Sheldon, complete your song before you burst!!

Sheldon: [very fast] Soft kitty warm kitty little ball of furrr, happy kitty sleepy kitty…purr purr purr…[gulps down a glass of water]…I have told you never to interrupt me Leonard!!!!

Penny: Haha…this was fun!! From what people say about them, they were pretty awesome people. I have heard that the Rachel girl and two friends of her’s used to live in this very building and two of the guys used to live across the hall from them.

Leonard: Heyy…that’s much like we do…that’s niceee!!

Raj: It’s amazing how much of an impact a bunch of people can leave behind them…it’s been years and people still remember them.

Leonard: Yea, it’s too bad we will never get to know more!


Leonard and Sheldon’s Place: Main door

[knock] [knock]

Sheldon: Who’s this?

Voice from the door: Well… um… Its Phoebe Hannigan. Monica and I used to live here about 13 years back and I just wanted to check if the ugly naked guy still lives in the opposite building.

Mike: Sweety, you should generally wait until you enter the house before declaring such intentions…

[just like you, no one can believe]

[Sheldon gets up to open the door…]

…to be continued in next one.

…until then…




















The thought-speech disagreement

Here we go!


Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait…

The Earth began to cool,

The autotrophs began to drool,

Neanderthals developed tools,

We built a wall (we built the pyramids)

Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,

That all started with a BIG BANG. (YAY)




Caltech Counseling Center

Receptionist: Dr. Hofstader, are you ready to see our next patient? It’s Dr. Raj Koothrapali.

Leonard: Well, considering that his absence may make the board re-evaluate our requirement in this institution, do send him in.

[Raj headed for the counseling room]

Receptionist: [Laughs] Coming right up doctor. Could you take some time to cure him; I have to pay the fees for my daughter’s second year.

Leonard: Don’t worry Lisa, he isn’t getting better anytime soon. As long as he is here, you may be the first receptionist to get tenure at Caltech.

[Raj enters and sits on the other side of the table]

Leonard: What happened this time buddy? You know, it’s a shame I don’t run a restaurant here, ‘coz based on how much business you bring me, you’d be entitled to free food for life. [laughs]

Raj: Heyyyy, you are a professional counselor, do you always mock your clients?

Leonard: Would you like me to take away the friends and family discount?

Raj: No no, mock me all you want. Although it’s sad that a nut-bag booboo-fixer like you has a friends and family discount.

Leonard: Well, I’d be offended by a statement like that, but you called yourself a nut-bag, so m gonna let it slide. Anyway, what happened?

Raj: Okay, well…soooo I was mentoring this new girl who just joined editing…

Leonard: Okayyyy…I kinda don’t like where this is going…

Raj: You know of my tendency to jumble up sentences in front of pretty girls who smell nice, right?

Leonard: To a disturbing extent, yes.

Raj: Ya…so there was a complete sentence and she had forgotten to put a period at the end of I wanted to say “You missed a period this time,” but I ended up saying something that sounds largely similar but means something else entirely!


Raj: Also the tone may have been more like I was asking her …well..that.

Leonard: OOOH…this is badd!!…I smell a sexual harassment lawsuit…how did she respond?

Raj: Let’s just say, it was the worst time to ask and now I know the answer! I wish I hadn’t spoken at all.

Leonard: [Laughs] Wishing for an alternate universe where you have selective mutism toward women, let’s leave for now. We have to pick up Wolowitz on our way back; we’re up for a Twilight mockathon.



In the car

Howard: Thank god you picked me up in time, my mother was having a permanently scarring conversation with her dentist on the phone. What’s with the Bombay Queen over here?

Leonard: [Laughs] He asked a trainee where she was in her monthly cycle…

Howard: Yeeaaaa, they always hate it when you do that…

Leonard: …by mistake!

Howard: Oooo…okay..I wouldn’t know what that’s like.

Raj: Will you both just shut up!

Howard: I would tell you to stop acting like a little girl, but since we’re watching Twilight, you’re probably in the most appropriate mood of all.



Outside Leonard & Sheldon’s Apartment

Howard: [Looking at an LED display on the door] When the hell did this happen?

Leonard: Ya, earlier this week Sheldon installed a SHELDON MOOD INDICATOR above the door. The font changes and the LED scrolls…its cool and disturbing at the same time.

Raj: Kind of like a hospital…

Leonard: …ya except in this case, the person inside the door is pretty much crazier than everything outside…

[All laugh]

Leonard: Uh oh!..the mood just changed to ANGRY.

Raj and Howard [chorus]: What did you do now?

Leonard: How could I have done anything, m out here with you!!!…wait…maybe we can change it….



Raj: Nothing’s happening dude!!

Leonard: Hold on…Considering his vulcan hearing and the mean time he would take to absorb a news like this, go to the bedroom, put his bat signal aside, open the drawer, and type HAPPY on the old-school chiclet keyboard of the display remote…the mood shall change in right about…

…display changes to HAPPY.

Smug Leonard: Let’s go in folks!

…that’s all for now…shall continue in the next one 🙂  Thanks to all who pushed me to write. Means a lot.

…until the next time…


That’s me… well, some of me.


Hey folks,

So, I am Dhruv. I am an editor by profession, as are many people reading this. FYI: If you edit my blog, your ERC files will come in at 7. Writing has been a hobby since childhood, and I have been meaning to take it up since a long time. I procrastin….okay ill finish that word later. I haven’t written anything since about 3 years; being my first work since becoming an editor, this ought to be interesting. After some motivation (read Maitreyee) and recent events in my life, I am finally getting started with this again. Apart from writing, I follow many TV series, especially (yes, I dare to use especially) sitcoms. I love FRIENDS; I have seen it over 15 times. I am not particularly fond of movies (unless its horror or fantasy), and I hate love stories, including those that claim to hate love stories. I wouldn’t mention names as I don’t want to unknowingly contribute to their online presence :P. Not a fan of Bollywood. I don’t read; I never have and I probably never can; I just lack the patience, but I am trying, fingers crossed. I started reading HP & The prisoner of Azkaban and I gave up after 70 pages, loved the movie though. PS: the book wasn’t boring (I wouldn’t dare say that, multiple people will disown me :P; honestly, JKR has my respect *bow*). I am not a fan of things that lack substance, be it people or relationships. Whatever you have should matter, everything else is redundant and does not add value, just like the preceding phrase in italics. I don’t do small talk; I can’t do small talk. I think its offensive to just spark up a conversation as a way to kill time while the machine pours espresso in your cup. The person, not the machine, should be a priority, and the conversations should go beyond “what’s up”.

As far as likes and dislikes go, I am a pretty simple guy; I love my family. I like writing and music. I love animals and wildlife photography; I like to travel. I am not nearly as serious as I seem to be, although way more sleepy. The only person I listen to at one go—my sister—means the world to me. I am a total foodie (read Maitreyee and Anupama, the forever hungdy trio). This should suffice as an introduction, I guess. If anyone needs to know more, I exist beyond this blog, and you know where I sit.

Down to business, this blog! So, I believe many of you have an idea of the sitcom The Big Bang Theory. If you don’t, 2 minutes of silence. It’s the second best sitcom ever after FRIENDS. My posts will have scene-based conversations among the quirky characters of the series. Their primary traits have been retained from the original series, but there’s a twist. Each character will be different in some way or the other in a way that many of us can better relate to it. Because this is my blog, there may be indirect references to my present, all in good humor, and some of the characters may be speaking my mind occasionally (I am NEVER Howard though :P)! The prominent nerd in me is really looking forward to this. About the characters, Leonard is a behaviorist; Sheldon, still a theoretical physicist. Raj is a Linguist and works as an in-house editor for Caltech, Pasadena, and in this universe, I let him talk to women without being bombed. Penny still works at a coffee house called The Central Perk. –Keep the smile on 🙂 Howard is still just an engineer. All PhDs except Penny and Howard. Guest appearances, as applicable. Amy and Bernadette to be introduced soon. All characters are the same people, except they are not. Let’s see how this goes. Consider this as The Big Bang Theory from a parallel universe. The Big Bang Theory: Revisited.