How my workplace differs from the rest of the world?
This 29th, that’s tomorrow, I complete 1.5 years in the company. Over time, I have observed that we live in an alternate universe. Don’t believe me? read on.
PS: I have never tried this. I am a tea person. 😛
What if you had to ask out a girl in normal world? It would go something like this (as per the movies, at least):
Guy: Hey, I was wondering if you’d like to go out for a cup of coffee some time…
Girl: Hey, umm.. sure why not.
Guy: Saturday works?
Girl: Absolutely, say 10ish, Coffee Bean, Infiniti?
Guy: Great, see you there!
Just if things were that simple at red-like-color not-so-interactive!
The guy waits till 7. Time-efficient people have left work by then while he is still stuck at 9thk. He sees that his girl is still at her desk and the seats flanking her’s are empty. Gets up, walks over, and sits on the one that is farther away from the auditory range of people around.
Best possible scenario:
Girl: [moves the eyes enough identify the person within her range of peripheral vision] …hey…sup [pounding away at the keyboard]
Guy: I was just wondering if you’d like to go out for coffee after work some time.
Girl: But we have a coffee machine no [pound… pound… pound…realizes she is not being sociable and turns the chair, the guy has just been promoted to the field of direct, non-peripheral vision] plus I already had 3 cups today…I tell you, even after a latte, a cappuccino, and finally an espresso, I am still so sleepy. You know what, I still have 5k to go, I don’t know how I am going to manage this. I had this finalization, PR92 has given 88 comments saying “put an ‘a’ here” or “definite article needs to be put here”. What do they get paid for? No seriously? [At this point, guy wonders if this is rhetorical or should be answered.] You know what [oh, she continues, doubt cleared.], I am just so exhausted putting those 92 articles [guy: can you make this quicker please, I have 7k to start.] But I think not all the Fls do that; yesterday, I had this FZ with PR53 working on it, amazing job he did! I wish all my assignments go to 53. I am going to flag this one. Flag flag flag…and you know why? [guy clears his throat]…because I don’t get paid for this!!
Guy: [While she pauses to take a breath, the guy takes the opportunity to pitch in.] Hmm, yeah [wonderful!]. Perhaps you need a break, there’s a CCD right by Shanti, if you’d like, we can go there.
Girl: [Oh damn, yea he came to talk abt something else.] Our machine is also from CCD only no..?
Guy: [Does she understand that I am asking her out? If I ask her to have coffee in the pantry, she will think I am not willing to spend at all. If I mention CCD again, I look stupid willing to spend for something that’s free for us. What to do now?] Oh ya, actually I hear Starbucks is really good [pretentious places with exorbitant prices it is!], I’ve been there many times [No I haven’t, the prices of Starbucks’ are in negative correlation with my salary.]
Girl: [Starbucks…hmm… I can check-in and let people on fb know that I am sitting in an expensive coffee house with pretentious food that is appropriately sized for miniature people… also I can take some great selfies…okay I need to see what looks good….phone out→unlock→zomato→nearby→Starbucks→menu]
Guy: [Whom is she chatting with in the middle of our conversation? Coffee ain’t gonna cut it, we need food too…damn ill be fasting for 2 days after that]
Girl: [Damn, i’ve been quiet for long…] Hey, yeah Starbucks works, I really like their [I hope I get the pronunciation right, these weird names, I tell you!…anyway I have been …umming…for a few seconds now…he may just be thinking that I have the entire menu in my head…speaking of head, my mom’s gonna eat mine if I forget to take half a kilo rice packet and bartan bar home…anyway] java chip frappuccino [Dhruv: yes, I have Zomato open]…that’s what I order always [I’m going to Starbucks first time ever, YAY!].
Guy: Cool then, we can decide on time n stuff later maybe. [Smiles, wakes up remembering 7k, questions world, god, humanity and such other things!]
Girl: Yeah, that works [transition, direct vision→peripheral vision→out of FOV][pound… pound…pound].
Worst possible (and the most likely) scenario:
Guy: Hey..I was just wonde…
Girl: [pound…pound…pound] Hey, I have closes till 7, we’ll talk after.
Girl: Who came to talk to me today? Uh, never mind. I bet it’s sorted.
Of course, the characters are hypothetical so far. But this is not the only thing different. Well, just read on.
There’s a sentence:
“Although pigs can fly only at night, they shouldn’t as they might catch a moon burn, especially after 10 PM, and ruin their green skin.”
When I asked normal people on what was wrong with the sentence, they pointed out three errors (:P)
“Pigs can’t fly.”
“There’s no such thing as moon burn.”
“Pigs don’t have green skin.”
However, in-house, on conversation with QA
“Hey,” said the girl who looked like win-zipped, low-res version of Katrina Kaif from Rajneeti.
“Hey,” that’s me.
“So Dhruv, this sentence. Why have you remarked it irrelevant?”
“Well, because there are glaring errors in the sentence and it seemed illogical”
“Hmm, you have not fixed three errors in this sentence”
“Yeah, the errors make it illogical, but what is the correct version then?”
“Are the corrections not obvious, Dhruv? You have retained a contraction, the use of ‘might’ and ‘especially’ in a single sentence…How can you edit like this, just how?…you know might and especially are unacademic! You know how many papers get rejected on the basis of…no shit…based on…no..wait…never mind…because of the use of might and especially?”
“No, how many?”
“Ill have to get back to you on that; for now, revise these to may and particularly and make the sentence shine!”
“You forgot to say respectively!”
“You understood right?”
“But Low-ResKatrinafromRajneeti.zip, don’t you think that pigs don’t fly and they don’t have green skin and a mention of moon burn are bigger issues here?”
“Oh, I am unsure about the SME here, I will take a second opinion and get back to you on this.”
Googles “flying pigs,” “moon burn,” and “pigs with green skin”. Stumbles on to Angry Birds trailer.
… not to be continued. Peace. 😛
Thanks to all the gems reading this…this time flew (and took away my spinal alignment).
Lots of love,